Ways to get Free Stuff

It's always going to be weird when you have to tell your parents you're pregnant. You may as well be screaming in your father's face "I HAD SEX!!!!!!!! and LOTS of it!!!!!"........ awkward.

Due to a major coincidence my mum is actually travelling in London to see me, so I had to tell her my news. I decided to wait until the first day we had to spend together, rather than blurting it out then having to run to work at 7.30am and coming home at midnight leaving her to stew on that all day.

When we did have the day to ourselves I came across lots of places not to tell your mother you are pregnant;

in the off-licence.
in front of the banksy.
at the market where the guy is selling bootleg reggae CD's.
at the coffee shop surrounded by loud smokers.

basically, once that cat is out of the bag there's no putting it back in. maybe not telling your mother makes it less real, because making it real means OH MY GOD BROKEN VAGINA!!!!!!!.

I couldn''t think of any way to segue into that conversation either.

"i ate so much last night i gave birth to a food baby this morning!.. and also a real baby in 8 months time..."

scene: whilst squeezing avocado's at the fruit stall "imagine trying to squeeze a baby out the size of that! i'll be doing that for real pretty soon"

luckily none of those scenes came to pass.

instead it was more like like this:

scene: outside the cutesy baby boutique in Notting Hill
me: "I just need to get something from in here.."
- unfortunately there is a sign on the door saying 'back in 5'
instead of going inside we go to the Popcorn shop where I buy a giant tub of cheesy popcorn and eat it in the space of 30 seconds. Then we go to an art gallery and look at paintings of nude men for 5 minutes.
we go back to the shop which is now Open. We are the only people in the shop.
me: (picks up tiny little shirt) "i'm going to buy this"
mum: who for?
me: "me... cause i'm pregnant"
mum: "for real?"
me: "yes for real"
-cue mum crying in the change room, and the lady who runs the shop standing around awkwardly.
me: (takes little shirt to the check out) "i'll just buy this then..."
shopkeep: "consider it free, considering what I just witnessed"

so take this as my advice - make the scene as awkward as possible, because you might just get some free clothes out of it.