Come Out and Play

One week to go. Crazy! It feels like only yesterday I was yelling at Mark to hurry up and get a boner so we could have sex and go to sleep, and to stop taking so long because i'm really not in the mood for all this sex.

How things have changed in the past 9 months.

1. Learning that pregnancy is technically 10 months. yeahhh no one tells you this in highschool.
2. Being trapped like an upside down beetle trying to roll over in bed.
3.  up the options of getting up off the couch to get the maltesers that rolled under there due to my lack of coordination. My Tip: Don't eat round balls of chocolate when you're 9 months pregnant.
4. Taking about a minute to bend over and pick up anything, compounded with hilarity when you have to pick something up in public.
5. I will not miss having to sleep like a rotisserie chicken, turning myself over every hour to give my aching hips a break - because see point 2: being trapped like an upside down beetle.

I just want our little prawn to come out into world..... without having to come out of my vagine or through abdominal surgery.. is there a way for this to happen? 21st Century advances in technology? We have a whole apartment full of stuff to play with and no baby.. lame.

see you soon kid.

National Awkwardness Trust

I've mentioned before the NCT - (National Childhood Trust) a charity that runs in England with the aims to give new mothers information and support during their first pregnancy. You pay £300 to essentially learn about episiotomys (traumatising) the stages of labour (endless) and carry around dolls that you pretend to breastfeed and bathe (weird) - but the true cost of the course goes to forming these 'baby mama communities' you're supposed to go out into the world & form friendships with these women who you have spent a total of 16 hours with...

I can work with someone for 18 months and not have ever had a lunch with them, however I am now expected to meet up with these ladies every friday and go for a coffee and then a romantic walk through the park.

I understand that having children means a whole new world of socialising with people you might not normally hang out with, but doing so when you don't even have children yet is just weird.

So of course I have missed the past 2 catch ups. For one they meet at 10am in the park, who does that? aren't we all still in our PJ's at 10am? Which is why I need to form a new group. The Mutiny Group.

In the Mutiny Group we meet at midday. We don't even have to meet at the park. We could meet at the cafe which is 5 minutes from our houses. We could stay at home and skype each other in our braless wonderlessness. To be honest I think a lot of people were into joining Mutiny Group. It only takes one person to stand up to the 'organiser' of the group (the one who volunteered for the organiser position whilst the rest of of us were thinkin 'aint nobody got time for that') and goddamit if the volunteer organiser isn't one of those over achieving women who is super nice, has perfect hair, is an architect and runs marathons in her spare time. She probably wanted to do park meets at 8am but thought she'd let us slackers sleep in a bit.

There's just something awkward about forcing 8 women and their respective partners to be friends immediately. Maybe i'm too suspicious. Maybe I don't play well with others. Maybe I need to set my alarm earlier.

I think the NCT is a good thing - London is a transient city, there isn't one person in the group who is from London. You got Americans, Chinese, Dutch, French, and Aussies. I guess the difference to back home is that you'd form your community out of friends with children, and family members. All we have in London is each other - each weird freak who you'd probably never speak to in normal circumstances, however being knocked up has put us all on the same page.

me and my preggers besties. we swap vagina stories despite knowing each other less than a month.

Can't wait for the awkwardness of bringing our newborns to the park on our romantic walks. If I can get out of bed that is.

Skive Leave

Well it has to be said, everyone loves a pregnant woman. I finished work last Thursday and it's the only time in my life i've ever left a place of employment on decent terms. Usually when I leave a job it's because a) I've quit because I hate the job/the people i'm working with - and you disappear like a fart in the wind the next day. or b) i've been fired and been asked not to come back - like that time I worked at Bakers Delight and used to sneeze all over the bread.

When you leave on Maternity Leave it's like a parade of fun and presents. My work got me a gift from Liberty's which is the shiz. I get more excited about seeing the plum purple of a Liberty's bag than I do about the turquoise of Tiffany's. I got cupcakes from the posh cupcake store. Helium Balloons. Flowers. I don't think i've been that spoilt since being a little kid.

Now i'm on Maternity Leave however.....

The Brilliance that is Kim-Li

I have been doing ante-natal classes the past few weeks, some of which have been run through the NCT (National Childhood Trust) these classes have been excellent, they expand on the class you have at the hospital and empower you with knowledge and confidence to go onto having a happy birth and a healthy baby.   The NCT classes however are mostly for meeting other pregnant women who live in your area who you can form friendships and communities of support with.

My group has about 10 women who are all due within 3 - 4 weeks of each other, they are all lovely ladies who I will hopefully have wonderful bonding experiences with once my child is born. It will be nice to ring someone up at at 5am "you awake?" "what colour is your poop?"

Amongst my group however is the most outstanding person I have come across in recent times. I would like to introduce you to Kim-Li.

Kim-Li is an over-acheiving asian, her partner is also an over-achieving asian - this makes them the most informed powerhouse of childbirth and control that I have ever witnessed.

I am no way mocking Kim-Li, I think she's brilliant. 

Kim-Li and her partner are having their baby at the Portland - which is where you go to have babies if you are either minted or have excellent medical insurance. Stella McCartney has her babies there. 

These are just a few things that Kim-Li is up to that I have to share. If there is ever a dock-comedy made about ante-natal classes I would hope that the producers would make a Kim-Li character.

First of all Kim-Li's partner is all about control. We had a discussion about midwives, the next day he books a £3000 private midwife. We had a discussion about when to go to the hospital when contractions are underway, the next class we have Kim-Li's partner shows up with his laptop to show us a very sophisticated and scientific graph that he has devised with contractions mapped out which will tell you the exact perfect time to go the hospital. Genius. Sometimes super smart over-achieving asians outdo themselves.

Now.. Kim-Li... Kim-Li and her partner live in a tiny immaculate minimalistic flat, so Kim-Li has gone out and brought............... see through baby stuff. So that way she won't notice it. Her birth ball - see through. Her baby bath? see through perspex. I have to wonder if they might invent through necessity the first see-through pram. 

I find myself becoming the sage of widsom and zen around Kim-Li. Kim-Li was going to work up until the first contraction and I told her that she might enjoy a week or two off beforehand in case she's tired/uncomfortable. Kim-Li has now booked this in, she has also not told anyone at her work about her pregnancy and has been hiding it under giant shirts because she doesn't want anyone giving her special pregnancy treatment. 

I told Kim-Li that I walk to and from work each day, which amounts to 6 miles a day. Now every time we see each other her ongoing joke is "ooooh you walking 6 miles today?" I told her when she is on maternity leave we could walk 6 miles together if she wanted. Kim-Li is very excited.