One of the first things everyone wants to know when they find out you're pregnant is
a) will you find out if it is a boy or girl? nope. as long as it's not ginger I don't care.
b) what names are you thinking of?
now, the problem with revealing your chosen names to people is you open yourself up to peoples opinions on said name, and no offense pal, but nobody around here cares about your opinions on my future baby name!!!!
I never tell people what I think of their shit names, to their face anyway.
Starr: future prostiute
Coco: that's what you name a chihuahua
Polo: what's the middle name gonna be? Shirt.
That's why i'm not telling anyone my chosen baby names, because someone is going to have some negative reference about it, like some fat chick in school called Amy who pulled your hair and pushed you into the dirt - which is why I could never name a child of mine Amy.
I have to wonder though, what sort of names are going to be all the rage this year? there was a epidemic of Lord of the Rings names in the mid 2000's, and whilst some of them are quite nice, there is no excuse for calling some kid Elrond, just think of all the extra money you'll have to save up to pay for the therapy they need in their mid to late teens.
I predict these names popping up in kindergartens all over the western world in 5 years time.
Twilight Names; Edward, Jacob, Bella... you could do a two part hyphenate .. "this is my daughter BJ".. (Bella-Jacob)
Hobbit Names: Bilbo
50 Shades of Grey Names: Blip, Christian, Anastasia.
This is why i'm naming my child after all the artistic greats, with no negative connotations to anyone.
"this is my child Michael Jackson Cher Madonna Britney Whitney Tim Burton Roald Dahl Wes Anderson Barrett"
Monday, November 26, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Hey People! Guess What! Stretchy Pants.
This was the week that I was finalllly able to tell people the big secret. It's good to get it out there, specially with work so I'm not hiding out in the bushes being sick in private. It also means that I don't have to pretend my jeans still fit me - whilst sitting with them completely undone at my desk. What this means is I can usher in the era of Stretchy Pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a very hard secret to keep. Specially when you're spewing on people and their dogs. I had a shoot which involved lots of driving around location scouting, and I was having a major case of motion sickness. I was stuck in the back of the car whilst the director and producer were in the front seat, with the directors dog jumping all over me in the backseat, when all of a sudden a giant burp of spew came out and landed on the dog's head.
Well, you don't want to be that person who just casually spews on someone's dog and pretends everything is normal. So I had to tell them. It made the job a lot easier let me tell you. You don't have to do anything when you're pregnant. "Can you help me move that washing machine" "nope".
It was a very hard secret to keep. Specially when you're spewing on people and their dogs. I had a shoot which involved lots of driving around location scouting, and I was having a major case of motion sickness. I was stuck in the back of the car whilst the director and producer were in the front seat, with the directors dog jumping all over me in the backseat, when all of a sudden a giant burp of spew came out and landed on the dog's head.
Well, you don't want to be that person who just casually spews on someone's dog and pretends everything is normal. So I had to tell them. It made the job a lot easier let me tell you. You don't have to do anything when you're pregnant. "Can you help me move that washing machine" "nope".
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Ninja Baby. No Laughing.
I had my scan today, it was hilarious.
We opted to go private for our scans because the NHS is like a creepy haunted house full of jerks. I swear it's the difference between the receptionist fucking up your appointment then telling you in a condescending voice that it's not her fault and it's somehow my fault, and being all dark and old and crap, and compared to having it is Jesus's waiting room in heaven.
Bright Lights. Opera Music. Posh Coffee Machine that we couldn't figure out how to use. This is more like it. I wish I could have my baby there. At this rate i'll have to rent a suite at the Dorchester and completely fuck it up with my amniotic fluid all over everything.
The one problem however with posh places, is posh people, specifically posh ultrasound technicians who are too busy and important for you to be having a giggling fit on the scan table.
The whole ultrasound experience is just absurd. It's science fiction on a whole other level. It's a life form inside my belly! wtf! My lifeform also happens to be a tiny ninja.
The ultrasound technician lubed up my belly then turned to his expensive panel of knobs, and started rendering and grading the new Hobbit movie... not really, but his equipment looked like state of the art editing technology. All those knobs!
My little ninja prawn was jumping all over the place. Not surprising. I won't even let Lenny sleep on my belly, and now some dude is jabbing and probing all over the place, and little ninja was not loving it.
He was doing all kinds of acrobatic moves. Embryo-Yoga. Circus Trapeze. He really would not stop jumping around all over the place, and I found this rather amusing... and I started giggling.
I was giggling so much that the ultrasound technician had to pause and give me a withering look of "are you settled now?" as in "can we get on with it you childish moron"......
Well, as soon as someone disapproves of your laughing, well that just makes it all the more funnier and I was crying with laughter. I couldn't look at anything. Mark had to be relegated to the naughty corner because just thinking of him going "It's jumping all over the place!" would set me off again.
Why is it that even when we choose to go private and pay exorbitant prices for procedures they're giving out for free at NHS Hospitals we still come out looking like the idiots?
I wish there was a Clown College, and you could go there and get Medical Degrees, and then those clowns would open up their own Hospital. I would find it so much more relaxing and rewarding to be scanned by someone who was going "what's the deal with placentas? stingrays of the ladyparts". and then in the labour ward when your kid slides out of you finally it falls on the doctors face and his giant fake nose goes HONK HONK. That's the kind of birth I want.
We opted to go private for our scans because the NHS is like a creepy haunted house full of jerks. I swear it's the difference between the receptionist fucking up your appointment then telling you in a condescending voice that it's not her fault and it's somehow my fault, and being all dark and old and crap, and compared to having it is Jesus's waiting room in heaven.
Bright Lights. Opera Music. Posh Coffee Machine that we couldn't figure out how to use. This is more like it. I wish I could have my baby there. At this rate i'll have to rent a suite at the Dorchester and completely fuck it up with my amniotic fluid all over everything.
The one problem however with posh places, is posh people, specifically posh ultrasound technicians who are too busy and important for you to be having a giggling fit on the scan table.
The whole ultrasound experience is just absurd. It's science fiction on a whole other level. It's a life form inside my belly! wtf! My lifeform also happens to be a tiny ninja.
The ultrasound technician lubed up my belly then turned to his expensive panel of knobs, and started rendering and grading the new Hobbit movie... not really, but his equipment looked like state of the art editing technology. All those knobs!
My little ninja prawn was jumping all over the place. Not surprising. I won't even let Lenny sleep on my belly, and now some dude is jabbing and probing all over the place, and little ninja was not loving it.
He was doing all kinds of acrobatic moves. Embryo-Yoga. Circus Trapeze. He really would not stop jumping around all over the place, and I found this rather amusing... and I started giggling.
I was giggling so much that the ultrasound technician had to pause and give me a withering look of "are you settled now?" as in "can we get on with it you childish moron"......
Well, as soon as someone disapproves of your laughing, well that just makes it all the more funnier and I was crying with laughter. I couldn't look at anything. Mark had to be relegated to the naughty corner because just thinking of him going "It's jumping all over the place!" would set me off again.
Why is it that even when we choose to go private and pay exorbitant prices for procedures they're giving out for free at NHS Hospitals we still come out looking like the idiots?
I wish there was a Clown College, and you could go there and get Medical Degrees, and then those clowns would open up their own Hospital. I would find it so much more relaxing and rewarding to be scanned by someone who was going "what's the deal with placentas? stingrays of the ladyparts". and then in the labour ward when your kid slides out of you finally it falls on the doctors face and his giant fake nose goes HONK HONK. That's the kind of birth I want.
Monday, November 12, 2012
White Food Racist Baby
my prawn only likes white food. my life revolves around pasta/potatos/bread. goddam carb head. who am I giving birth to? 1980's Jean Claude Van Damm?
my prawn is also younger than anticipated. typical. i bet prawn always pretends to be younger than prawn really is. rather than being in my 12th week this week, i'm half way through my 10th week, because my stupid ovaries ovulated late or something. honestly, what good are ovaries if you can't even trust them to release an egg on time.
I've decided to change hospitals because the one I originally booked into see, well i wouldn't trust them to deliver a pizza, let alone a baby. every time I went there there was a problem, a problem that was 'my fault' ie: there is no receptionist, and no one told me you were here, so we'll have to reschedule for next week, you should have said you were here. dicks.
the worst of my morning sickness is hopefully over, i still can't brush my teeth without dry heaving all over the place, but at least I can get out of bed. The worst of it was traveling around Barcelona during my 8th week. In a country where they don't speak english is not the country you want to be feeling like total shit in. The only thing I could eat was croissants and hot chocolate, and they managed to fuck up that even. The first time I went to Barcelona I got 3rd degree burns all over my legs because there is no fucking ozone layer in that stupid country, and the second time around I wanted to curl up in bed and be sick into a bucket the whole time. Needless to say - Barcelona can go jump.
I went in for my scan, but I was early because of my late ovaries, but I did get to see the floating prawn inside my belly. wtf is that all about? they glue up your belly and then boom there's a kid floating around on screen. technology! I think everything I've learnt about ultrasound scans from movies has been incorrect. In movies the would-be parents are always staring at some black and white meaningless shadows on a screen and the scanner has to actually point out what the hell everyone is looking at. The moment the screen appeared it was so obviously a baby. I like to think that it was because my bladder is nice and transparent that it made it easy.
I'd really like to not have to leave the house for the next 5 weeks.
my prawn is also younger than anticipated. typical. i bet prawn always pretends to be younger than prawn really is. rather than being in my 12th week this week, i'm half way through my 10th week, because my stupid ovaries ovulated late or something. honestly, what good are ovaries if you can't even trust them to release an egg on time.
I've decided to change hospitals because the one I originally booked into see, well i wouldn't trust them to deliver a pizza, let alone a baby. every time I went there there was a problem, a problem that was 'my fault' ie: there is no receptionist, and no one told me you were here, so we'll have to reschedule for next week, you should have said you were here. dicks.
the worst of my morning sickness is hopefully over, i still can't brush my teeth without dry heaving all over the place, but at least I can get out of bed. The worst of it was traveling around Barcelona during my 8th week. In a country where they don't speak english is not the country you want to be feeling like total shit in. The only thing I could eat was croissants and hot chocolate, and they managed to fuck up that even. The first time I went to Barcelona I got 3rd degree burns all over my legs because there is no fucking ozone layer in that stupid country, and the second time around I wanted to curl up in bed and be sick into a bucket the whole time. Needless to say - Barcelona can go jump.
I went in for my scan, but I was early because of my late ovaries, but I did get to see the floating prawn inside my belly. wtf is that all about? they glue up your belly and then boom there's a kid floating around on screen. technology! I think everything I've learnt about ultrasound scans from movies has been incorrect. In movies the would-be parents are always staring at some black and white meaningless shadows on a screen and the scanner has to actually point out what the hell everyone is looking at. The moment the screen appeared it was so obviously a baby. I like to think that it was because my bladder is nice and transparent that it made it easy.
I'd really like to not have to leave the house for the next 5 weeks.
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